6 feet… apart or under?

Everyone by now knows the precautions that are recommended by scientists for Covid-19: 6 foot distancing as much as possible and so on.

Being in retail, we’ve pulled out all the stops to keep people safe. It creates more work, but it’s worth doing to stop the spread as much as possible.

Before we officially opened back up, I had all these plans on how to give customer service but maintaining safe distance. I’d put something on the table, for example, step away then it would be their turn to step up. Next time you go to the store, any store, I want you to look at how the customers give each other that berth typically without issue. Thing is… THEY DON’T DO THE SAME FOR EMPLOYEES!!!

Upon opening, I quickly had to nix my distance customer service plans because customers do not give the same berth to employees as they do to each other. They come right next to you to ask the question then follow much closer than needed (trust me, the size of my store they wouldn’t be in danger of losing me).

Funny thing is, that employee has been in contact with all of those customers you’ve been giving space… logically the staff member is the person you should be probably most wary of. I’m not overly mad as long as masks are involved, but people who I’ve helped have pulled the mask down to talk. Why are you taking random parts of precautions then throwing some of the most important to the wind.

This is a big reason I’m as reluctant as I am about being back to work. Wearing a mask is a consideration for the people around you moreso than actual protection for yourself.

I have two young children who I am worried about getting sick. They haven’t been able to play as much with other kids they’ve been with us (their parents), my aunt (who has mobility problems so regularly needs help from us because she doesn’t go out), and my parents. That I’ve been careful but it could be for not because of these inconsiderate gestures… turns my stomach.

I’m taking showers and changing clothes after every shift before I even greet my family. The extra work is tiring, even more since quarantine lasted a good few months. Would it be so bad that the people working extra for you to stay safe get the same consideration from you?

Daily Prompt ‚Äď Resurgence

Many wars are waged…

Some won, some lost.

No matter your side,

There is always a cost.

Mutiny under the unjust captain,

Rebel for the sake of progress,

Voice your battle cry…

Even after you’ve tried your best.

A battle doesn’t decide the war.

Let that rally travel on the wind like a song.

There’s always the chance for resurgence

Until your battle cry is gone.

It doesn’t have to be heard by all.

Just as the world will end in a whimper so can the war be won.

Therefore keep your cry loud or soft,

Just as long as it continues until it’s done.

Sometimes my battle cry is clear, but sometimes it’s simply the quiet voice in my head saying tomorrow is another day.

https://wp.me/p9YJYk-26

1 doesn’t equal 10

Nowhere, comparatively this will be a trivial matter to what I have ranted about lately. However, even little things can irk me so vent I shall.

I’m going with my mom to her appointment and then to mine after. The timing works so we can use one car. Bonus to that is my car won’t use gas because we can and are using my mom’s. The cherry on top is my newborn woke up in the middle of the night for two hours so I’m tired and can sleep in the car while my mom drives (or at least rest my eyes to be more realistic). However, tag teaming with my mom on things like this have drawbacks… Mom doesn’t have proper time management skills.

Even when I was a kid she was frantically getting things together and worried about being late even though we were usually ready before her. Since being a parent, I chalked it up to maybe it was because kids add a whole new level of obstacles to getting where you need to be. Even still, she would jump in the shower at 7:00 and only be 15 minutes with it but mind you… My homeroom started at 7:20. I actually got detention for three late days, two of them because of things like that.

What really gave it away that it wasn’t us as kids messing with the time table was recent. Last night when planning the details of the pick up she said,

“My appointment is at 8:00 so I’ll get you at 7:30.”

Doesn’t seem odd until you factor in that the drive she’s planning takes at least 40 minutes. That’s not even factoring in all the rush hour traffic for people going to work or the construction that we’ll pass (which has been going on for nearly 2 years, I know considering it started just before having my son and I used to work down there).

Since it won’t bother my appointment at 9:15, I’m not overly anxious about being on time for mine but usually my anxiety spikes when lateness comes into play regardless of who it’s for. I like being on time.

This is no secret about my anxiety yet my mom, the psychologist, does this constantly. To be fair, even with that, I just don’t think my mom is fully aware of the behavior since she’s never been any other way. If that changed about her, my first question would be if she hit her head or went through hypnosis.

My mom does this on days I work as well, though I live close enough that I’ve never really been late but I like to not rush in a vehicle that does need to then compensate for the time lost. I also like to collect myself before my shift. Sit for a few before actually having to clock in.

However, considering how constant this is I only imagine it’s the law of the universe so there’s no fighting it without subtlety… I will simply tell my mom I need to work 30 minutes earlier than I do ūüôā

Nowhere my old friend… I’ve come to vent at you again…

Tell me others read that to the tune of The Sound of Silence, considering that’s how it went in my head. Though if you didn’t you probably went back and it did.

Recently I’ve listened to an NPR podcast known as Invisibilia. This episode talked about the expectations of others dictating how our lives go. In particular talking about a famous blind person named Daniel Kish. The reason he’s famous is because of how well he uses echolocation to the point that he can see in a sense enough to ride a bike.

My son typically clicks his tongue to the roof of his mouth as he aimlessly looks for what toy he wants to play with or, more accurately, what he wants to get into. I’ve never discouraged it, if anything I’ve clicked back. People kept telling his mother to stop him from clicking because it wasn’t appropriate. She fought against the grain telling them she wouldn’t take away his version of being able to see. They also lectured her on letting him ride that bike and climbing trees because he was blind so could get hurt. However, she let him.

My main rant is how I want to be this kind of mom, not catering to how others view things. I grew up being called a goodie two shoes mostly because

Dr. House would have a field day…

Nowhere… I’m going to vent while things are bleak for me. Mostly because now is when I need to be strong especially but… I don’t feel strong…

Over 10 years ago had to drop out of college because of medical issues, dibilitating pain in my abdomen. To manage pain I took pain meds constantly, even resulting in an ulcer. It took four specialist nearly 3 years to discover gallstones that blocked the organ enough for it to be infected.

They took out my gallbladder and it was fine, but it took nearly three years of constant pain and inability to function…

Present day, over two months I have been getting episodes of severe abdominal pain. It’s been so severe I have passed out from it because the pain practically vice grips my right lung so I can’t breathe properly. I’m a frequent flyer of ERs just to manage the pain because the other pain medicine isn’t working. Noticing a parallel? Yeah, me too.

Only this time, it’s not school where I can go back and finish my degree later… I’m home with my kids. Each ER has used some washed up excuse just to send me on my way only for the pain to come back. I’m crestfallen because if I go three years in pain with no diagnosis… My son will be 5, about to go to school. My daughter… She would be 3, only knowing about her mom being in pain.

I don’t have the time to waste missing my kids grow, but I can’t watch them on the playground if at any moment an episode could make me pass out. Even as it is, I’m in pain picking up my son when I know being able to pick him up is a phase getting shorter and shorter. I was going to go back to work today… if I wasn’t checked into the hospital yesterday. Mom job is getting very difficult while working is near impossible…

With CT scans coming back normal, it’s this nightmarish waiting game I never wanted to participate in again. My husband’s depression has been rough on him lately which I’m sure my health isn’t helping, considering he was with me during the first time since the beginning.

We aren’t well off enough to go to the Dr. Houses of the world let alone for only my husband to be working. I worry for my kids seeing Mom withered down from pain and anyone with a toddler knows there’s not enough privacy to keep that under wraps. I worry about my husband having to be sole breadwinner and picking up the parenting slack from my end. As for me… I don’t know if my mental health can withstand all the things I want but cannot do for my family…

It was bad enough then… not again.

Update: currently hospitalized due to gallstones when I got my gallbladder out in 2012… Apparently it’s possible… Rare but possible. At least I can soon get back home with my kids. Hopefully I’ll be able to make it back to work this coming week.

A logic denyable…

Nowhere… I’m cutting right to the chase on this one because I’m seeing it all over the news and it’s beeing pissing me off.

We’ve all seen the laws being passed in an assortment of states that ban abortion with some of the most ridiculous measures and reasoning. Some people would read that as “a liberal Democrat” comment and such, but funny thing is… those people can shove it because I’m actually a registered Republican, not that it holds any bearing. I don’t care if you are riding an elephant or a donkey, either way dismount so we can be on the same level for a proper discussion for crying out loud. If the irritation on that is confusing then you haven’t read my¬†other¬†post from way back when¬†Political Parties aka Adult Cliques.¬†

body autonomyMost of these laws are stomping on the idea of body autonomy so badly it’s amazing how these things got as far as they did, constitutionally speaking. For example, I am marked as an organ donor on my identification so that I can help someone who needs a new organ should I not be using them anymore (a kind way to say should I die which Nowhere isn’t a place for a filter so… f**k it). If I die where my brain and nervous system is no longer sparking up like a live wire they harvest my pieces for better uses than rotting. This is not a requirement to agree to on your ID. If someone does not agree to share organs after they’ve bit the big one then their organs get to rot in the ground with the rest of the body or be burned to ashes, whichever living you decided on. Now, mind you, I think that’s a waste but I wouldn’t imagining forcing that on someone who is not comfortable with that idea. Guess what? Neither do the hospitals, morgues, etc. since they will leave the pieces of the deceased together if, while they were living, the person checked no. This alone shows that a woman’s corpse can be shown more respect for her choices than her living self… nice right? Now tell me, as a government who is trying (in theory) do well by its people so it becomes prosperous (trust me it sounds so far from our government right now but hang in here with me) why are you going to honor the dead more than the living who are the ones paying taxes and voting.

Speaking of voting, Alabama’s gem of¬†rights violation¬†would have someone convicted to life in prison should someone get an abortion for any reason, yes… any… even if it was the product of rape. Then states like Georgia takes it to another level following you out of state so that even if you get an abortion where it is legal but you live in Georgia you will be punished as if you had done that within state. State laws should not be “following” you out of that said state. What does this have to do with voting?¬†If someone is in the prison system or still bound by stipulations of release from it because of being charged by a felony (more than a misdemenor which these “crimes” would be) then most states don’t let you vote.¬†

Convict-leasing_children

Note that men could be charged too if aiding someone in getting an abortion but it is an even greater threat to the women and their collective voting voice.

The worst thing about these over the top almost militant level punishments being put into place is that they are easily 10 times harsher than a rapist would get. The issue of abortion honestly wasn’t even a problem that really needed fixing, but those laughable punishments for things like rape and molestation… THAT IS A PROBLEM IN NEED OF FIXING!!! For example, everyone remembers the scum of a human being named Brock Turner right? A few years back in 2015 he was arrested for raping an unconscious woman… he served just three months for raping someone who was completely passed out because in his mind that was a good way to get his jollies off or, according to his father, “getting some tail”. You want a sex partner who won’t concent… save it for your blow up sex doll at home, okay? Now if she had gotten pregnant and these laws were in place then not only did she have no say in getting pregnant (let alone say in having relations in the first place) but she would be forced into coming to term or going to prison possibly for life. The “shorter” punishment of having to live through the stress of a pregnancy let alone the stress from it being unwanted would be nine months while Brock Turner’s punishment was the equivelant of just one trimester! That shorter is in quotes because, with all the damage psychologically speaking as well as bodily stress because of such changes, it could easily compound into larger, long term issues mentally and physically. No matter someone’s views on abortion you can’t tell me that the one who assulted to result in the unwanted pregnacy should get less of a punishent than the victim. That is broken logic that is the root of the real problem about this whole thing.

I’ll be honest though, I couldn’t picture myself ever go through an abortion. As for others going through an abortion the reason why doesn’t matter as long as you need it, but I¬†can’t stand when an abortion is used as birth control. If birth control was used by both parties and it still resulted in pregnancy then sure I’d have no qualms. This would require pills and condoms being readily accessable to everyone (including being affordable). Having said that, even with my view on it over all, I consider myself pro-choice if anything because until those inadequances of healthcare are addressed a woman should be able to abort if that’s her choice.

Anyone on the other side of this debate brings up the bible I’d smack them with it (and¬†depending on the version it could pack a punch, like that hardcover pictured below).¬†Religion itself isn’t perfect even within its own circle let alone letting it branch bibleout as I wrote in¬†A Deity of Faith‚Ķ¬†It doesn’t matter what my religious affiliation is… seriously any of the pro-lifers who bring up the bible automatically forfiet their say in a governmental law if that is their only arguement for it.¬†The United States of America has never been a theocracy, without it being a church state it’s hardly a place where a religious stance¬†arguing for a law. It was founded with the idea of religious freedom so any religious texts or beliefes have no place carrying weight in the government. I’m all for it shaping your morals and personal lifestyle, but even if I agree with your religious take on a topic like this… I will not accept that as a valid arguement.¬†

All in all, I don’t know where this surge of this stuff came from, spreading like a wildfire in a drought. It’s terrifying that it got so far, but especially so because of the speed different states all came to this awful concenses. Beyond it’s basic lack of constitutional basis and its misguided righteousness, the implication of perpetuating the problem of prison overpopulation, endangering women, and negating votes of a sizeable population is really where the worst concequences of these laws are going to come through. Of course I hope we don’t get to see how bad these concequences get because legislature will realize their mistake before then. However, with the way American politics have been, I’m not holding my breath and honestly… not so proud to be an American…

Celebration…

Nowhere hasn’t seen me in a while because between financial burdens and two children it’s hard to find time to type without little hands bashing random gibberish in my rantings.

In honor of Mother’s Day, I’d like to vent about holidays like it, really anything that brings about a celebration of an individual. Think about the individual you are celebrating before putting plans in place.

For example, I want to do nothing. What I really want is to lounge at home, someone watching my kids for me, and getting to craft, read, or play games. I don’t want to even have to worry about making myself food.

I want to be lazy and if I’m not being lazy it’s because I choose to be active and productive… I’d rather that than it feel like some obligatory everyday task that I’m a failure if I don’t accomplish.

Let me pitch the idea a different way, if you have the ability to do something fun but you choose to accomplish a chore… Don’t you feel extra accomplished? It wasn’t something you felt obligated to or forced into where fun is always on the back burner but you did it anyway. You are a responsible person who has their priorities right AND you feel good about it so you are Wonder Woman or Superman. Kudos to you for getting it done in spectacular fashion.

So when holidays or something else celebrates me, I feel drained and exhausted when so many people pull at me to go out somewhere. I’m not saying that can never be a fun way to celebrate but it’s definitely not my first choice. Mostly because now afterwards I come back wanting to relax to a place where dishes need doing so now the dishes are the forced chore I must do instead of unwinding from the day where I was unable to relax.

Even this has taken a few hours for me to write out, my kids are napping so I’m going to nap as well and if I can’t maybe I’ll feel like a proper adult who has life together by cleaning and maybe having time for (dare I say it) fun…

Cooking spiral

I just tried making Swedish pancakes and failing miserably bc I exploded the butter in the microwave and by the end I could salvage only half of what was needed.

Now normally it’s as simple as heating up more and moving on. Normally. Right now, I’m a day away from my C-section and, to make this for my spouse, mother-in-law, son and myself, I used most of the butter.

My mind, now having a break down, was stepping out of my comfort zone to take initiative and cook. I was going to make the pancakes and we’d be having a nice breakfast I could feel personally proud about.

Now, my spouse took over and is annoyed to have to deal with another breakdown (considering that’s how any attempt to cook ends up getting to me typically pregnant or not).

However, this isn’t just pregnancy hormones going crazy. I used the last of money I had to buy enough food for the house that WIC wouldn’t cover so my mother in law will stay with my son in a stocked kitchen as I’m in the hospital. I have $1.67 on my card so I can’t even afford to replace the butter I wasted until Friday when my last work paycheck comes in (which will probably be under $100 bc for three months they only had me on once a week).

It’s instances like this where I feel hopelessly inept. Why should I bother helping when something happens to make that attempt the opposite?

There’s so many things I’d take on multiple jobs for money if I could, but in being very pregnant then having to recover from surgery with a newborn and infant… I realize that me getting whatever job I need won’t be happening quite as soon as I’d like it to.

Over the last few months I’ve been trying to find simple, efficient ways I’d be able to make money while recovering but haven’t come up with any real reliable way to do that. It’s beyond frustrating, especially when on the eve of such a deadline.

Now that I’ve calmed, I realize that the panic that over took me was a bit much, but I’m still left with the sadness of knowing there’s a problem and being utterly unable to provide a solution. This is what it feels like when anxiety and panic team up with depression. If it was something as simple as just hormones to take meds for balancing brain chemicals I’d be over the moon about taking it. However, the problems that cause this aren’t just in my head. The stress of real problems require complex solutions that I haven’t been able to figure out yet. So even if I went on meds… Until the solutions are in place… It would only do so much.

When the Child Becomes a Parent

Nowhere isn’t being forgotten… I’m irked again so I rant into cyberspace just to let off steam. Honestly with the hustle of work around the holidays (It’s retail, enough said) it’s like from Halloween until January is just one blur of a shift that lasts way too long… this means I have more free time to write about what irks me.

This particular peeve came up while I wrote my last entry¬†A Matter of Priority for Healing¬†because my mother’s approach was the center of the rant. This time, in general, I wanted to share about how many different aspects of overall parenting that have come into question for me, even more so since becoming a parent myself.

As I touched on in my last venting, my mother can be very emotional. That in and of itself wouldn’t be necessarily a bad thing. However, she is prone to not thinking things through logically during those times. As one that gets panic attacks and the like, I understand there are times when that can’t quite happen. The differences between my mother and I are frankly… I realize that I’m not in a state to do anything at that moment whereas my mom will tend to go overboard before taking that breather or time she needs. How does this concern parenting? Considering I’m without form here in cyber space and my mother certainly doesn’t read this, I’ll be honest. I have always felt like I needed to walk on eggshells around her, which is burdensome as a kid and a teenager feeling like you have to be careful so often. I want my son and daughter to feel like they can be themselves around me. I’m not going to sugar coat things so they are ignorant of the consequences of something, but I want them to know that I am there for them.

In contrast, my father is emotionally inept… I’m not exaggerating. He’s oblivious about anyone else’s emotions, like if something he says offends someone or honestly more often his tone offends someone. He doesn’t realize what comes through his own words or how someone else feels around him causing it’s own amount of tension. My family and I have gotten used to just taking what he says with a grain of salt. We’ve also gotten used to the fact that he doesn’t know how to productively channel his own emotions so he doesn’t quite know how to reign in when he’s angry or express sadness. Not that he gets physical mind you, but anger goes over the top with raised voice and with sadness he simply withdrawals. None of this is exactly helpful to raising children who are also learning emotions of others and how to manage your own.

An off-shoot of this issue, my dad got more distant as my brother and I got older. It was also around that time we brought in our adopted brother (who is the same age as my biological brother). With my bio brother and myself, my dad had the start up of us being younger and just couldn’t adapt as we were older to relate to us. My adopted brother, having a past without my dad and his own emotional baggage, had very little time for my father to really relate with him. It’s just because my dad doesn’t get emotions, which drives my mom crazy a lot. As teenagers, my dad didn’t just dive into work or disappear on us… without knowing how to relate, he withdrew so he was around but at the same time… not really.

Speaking of that sugar coating nonsense, discipline has always been one of my mother’s downsides that I certainly don’t want to repeat with my children. Most probably think it’s because of too many rules or being too strict, but that wouldn’t be the case. Her parents were a lot more physical with enforcement using belts for example, which was the norm at the time. However, she went the other extreme, not just in physical enforcement. Honestly no spanking isn’t the issue I have because I believe As a child, I never had any continuous routine or steady to-do. Chores were never really pushed in my house growing up. There were tasks, but they were like mere suggestions. No real downside for not doing them, and honestly not much incentive to do them. We got a small allowance whether or not those tasks were done… see the lack of incentive and downside?

Even when she would “put her foot down”, it didn’t take. Not because I’d rebel against the punishment. For example, in 6th grade I was grounded for the first time. I honestly don’t remember what for, but I was not allowed to go on AIM (a free instant messaging service for those who might be too young to know) for a week. Mid-week I needed to get details on an assignment from a classmate so I asked my mom for special permission to go on AIM… the kicker? She didn’t remember even grounding me!!! This was one of those facepalm moments I had with my mother growing up… the authority figure forgetting to uphold authority. Surprisingly she is better with my son than I would have expected, though I think that is more because she’s trying to mirror what I expect in our home and of him so he has that consistency.

My father’s idea of discipline followed my mom’s but not because that’s how he would have parented if he had been on his own or with someone else. He always seems like he’s just “along for the ride” kind of mentality and a “yes, dear” kind of husband. On a side note, this is the major reason I do not understand why my mother married my father. I would not have married my spouse if there was no challenge of opinion because that would be beyond annoying and exhausting.

Though my father went along with my mother’s idea of discipline, there were certain odd rules he had that my mother didn’t care one way or another. You know, ones he’d enforce and she didn’t mind, but she herself didn’t care enough to do it. For example, my father was very particular with my brother and I growing up not to use the word stupid. Now, at face value, that doesn’t seem like a strange lesson or a bad rule to have because if it was about us using the term stupid to make fun of someone then I would have been all for it. We never used it for those purposes though. My father’s issue with the term was when we’d use it for inanimate objects like when your phone isn’t working right and you say it’s being stupid. That would have awarded us a time out. To this day, I’m still not quite sure why that was so much of a priority to him.

The other parenting slip that I don’t care for is actually one I didn’t come across until I was also an adult. There have been moments when that emotional side I mentioned earlier is wielded as a weapon of sorts. I’m talking manipulative guilt trips and all.

The last time my spouse and I were trying to find a more thriving area to settle in our family she got choked up saying that if we moved away she wouldn’t be a grandmother anymore and that her and my father are going to get older and won’t have as much time… ugh… even rethinking about it irks me. Yeah, a flare for the dramatic, right? Note why I’ve been reluctant to tell her we haven’t given up on that idea because we are hoping to move away for our independence and growth still. These tactics become a burden taxing a relationship that shouldn’t feel like an obligation. I would hope my children would appreciate all I did for them and reprise that without compromising what they need to do. Growing up kids need independence, even more so once they are adults. As a parent, I’d hope that I’d be more willing to give them that independence.

Another guilt trip she’s used on us is our apartment to be independent was too much for us to handle and be able to save money. Instead of it being logical we move to an area with cheaper housing options where they also have better wage available, her solution was she’ll cover it so we can save. Now this, I would be appreciative of since it has helped us save quite a lot more… however, she has used this as a reason for us to feel obligated to her. These savings we acquired was supposed to help us get more available to settle and grow independently, but once we talked of moving away the most recent time it became a debt needing to be paid off. The whole point of her helping with rent was so we’d be able to save more money so we’d be better off to be independent… that was our understanding. For her, it’s a bargaining chip.

Mind you, I realize this manipulative side of her is a major red flag to a lot of people. Honestly though… she doesn’t know she does it. That is the hardest part. Her mother did little things similar to this while she was growing up. It made an impression as a what not to do, but it is ingrained beyond her realizing this is the kind of thing she is also doing. Making it even harder is the fact that she is a licensed psychologist. Full PhD… a lot of years of schooling went into that so she’s no dummy and is a good therapist. However, she isn’t overly great at using all her knowledge of these matters on those closest to her and where she is involved. There are blinders there, which is why the rule in thumb of therapy is you don’t treat anyone you know personally.

All in all, I love my parents and appreciate a lot of what they’ve done for me. However, I think that anyone who becomes a parent goes through this kind of comparison of pros and cons. Any parent worth their salt wants what is best for their child which means trying to take from the experiences they have had and making it so things might be, even just a little, better for their kid than it was for them.